The Days Pass Slowly But The Years Fly By. Or, how to beat time.

On motherhood and writing. Exploring personal narrative and writing memoir with children. An essay on motherhood and writing, on Our Story Time www.ourstorytime.co.uk

Not so long ago, I described time as a silk skirt twirling and swirling and falling in soft drapes but I’ll confess, lately, time feels a lot less romantic.

It hurtles past me, so close it might crush my feet, leaving nothing but a cloud of dust and tyre tracks behind. If time is a racing car, then my kids are the ones watching from the sidelines, waving little coloured flags and shrieking with delight: Go Faster! Faster! Faster!

If only they knew what they were wishing for.

Time feels different now than it did before I had children. Or, in my birthday month, let me put it another way: time feels different now than it did when I was younger.

Then, time moved, but it also existed in plentiful supply too. On the one hand, time couldn’t go fast enough for me, with the bright-eyed wilfulness that it takes to be seven or fifteen or seventeen or even twenty-one. I was impatient for it, always wanting to be at the next chapter of my life before the previous one had even begun. But on the other hand, another part of me always knew that eventually I’d get to where I needed to be. Another part of me trusted, somehow, that everything would unfold when it needed to. Because there was always time.

Then I had a baby and then another and another and suddenly time slowed right down. Life with a newborn baby lasts forever, only you are no longer quite as fearless faced with that sort of frightening, never-ending time. And it is never-ending; the long dark nights that tick, tick, tick and the dryness in your mouth sucked out of you by milk elsewhere.

Yet even in the thick of that milk and those blurry nights, everyone, everyone, tells you that time will go so fast, too fast. That they’ll grow up before we know it. It’s the cliché of parenthood. I used to roll my eyes at these platitudes On Time that friends would offer up while cooing over my days-old babies because in those early days, time was as painful as a sore latch, but now that my very last baby is a moving, climbing, talking toddler now, who needs haircuts more often than me, it is with a strange taste in my mouth that I realise what they mean.

The Days Pass Slowly But The Years Fly By (said every parent, everywhere). I have realised, however, that if you think about this for too long, it can sort of mess with your head. Because if you’re not careful, you’ll end up mourning for some sort of vague future you can’t even predict yet, before you realise you’re still in it. You’re still in time, this time, today’s time, right here, right now. Our hearts thumping, our limbs tangled in bedsheets. What is there to mourn, then, when we have all this dancing upon our fingertips?

I’ve decided, as I look ahead to celebrating my birthday in just a week, that I don’t want to mourn the future because I’m afraid of losing the present. I want to be excited by what’s to come, not worry about all that I might have lost by the time it comes around. I want to look back and remember every moment with the people I am lucky enough to know in my life: the boy whose green tea I accidentally took in a coffee shop one day and then married a couple of months later, the babies we brought into the world. I want to look to today, to now, and tomorrow, and find a way to enjoy every day we have made for ourselves.

Time has to fly by.

My kids have to grow up.

So do I.

And I want them to grow up, because they’re supposed to, because everyday gets better and better as they do, in so many ways. And though it may break my heart to see them move across oceans or travel into space or do whatever it is they want to do that takes them far, far away from me one day, it’ll also make my heart sing to see them soar the skies. I promise them every night that they can do whatever they want to do, be whoever they want to be. I owe them that, and I owe them the promise of this future, guiltlessly, without those maternal heartstrings holding them back.

I want them to be free.

But I also don’t want to be sentimental. I want to live in the moment and find ways to look back at this ice-cream scoop of a special, sweet time of living with under-fives that literally fills my life with laughter, and I want to do this in ways that don’t seem tinged by the sadness of a future which I should, truly, be looking forward to. And I am looking forward to it too - to writing books, to finishing what I started, to growing into another version of me, only one I don’t have to apologise for to anyone anymore, ever again.

So I’m beating time. I’m snatching it, by writing all of this down. The things they say, as they fling their damp arms around me at bedtime, things that catch me by surprise and still me for a second longer than they should or make me laugh when really, I’m supposed to be looking at them with my stern face. I’m saving the things I can’t put into words straight away.

But it’s not all about them either. It’s about me. It’s about me. I’m the one, finding my way.

And you see, this way, this way I win. I’m winning because I hold time in the tip of my fingers as I type, as I remember, as I hold onto the moments that might have only lasted a minute but felt like a lifetime. So long, sucker, I say to time as I hop my toes back as time drives past, racing right in front of my feet. So long.

Because I am the winner. I’m the one that gets to remember.


Will you join me?

Postcards Home is an online writing course designed not to feel like an online writing course but an inspiring nudge to help you want to write, to fall in love with writing, and to do it in a small, simple ways that aren’t overwhelming. Designed as a set of weekly essays, Postcards Home will gently, hopefully, remind you to look out for the details in your everyday, both your present and your past, and take note so that one day, you too might remember everything you want to through your very own written words.

Postcards Home begins on Monday, May 20th, 2019.

Ramadan: moments of fasting

On Ramadan - finding meaning in fasting. Memories of fasting. Ramadan and children. Children’s books on Ramadan. More on Our Story Time ourstorytime.co.ul

Ramadan, the month of fasting for Muslims, begins next week. It’s a time of introspection but also togetherness. Ahead of next week, Ramadan Mubarak to all my readers, of all backgrounds; to those fasting and to those not!

My parents were never subtle about waking us up for sehri, the meal we’d eat, half-asleep, in as little as five or ten minutes before our day of fasting would begin.

They’d wake us loudly, because if they didn’t, chances were my brothers and I wouldn’t wake up at all. They’d put the radio on, tuned into one of the Asian stations, so we might wake to the sound of Arabic prayers, and they’d clatter the bowls and cups in the kitchen, coming back upstairs every ten minutes to try and rouse us again in their exasperation. It would not have surprised me to have woken up in the middle of the night to one of my parents standing right next to my bed, banging a saucepan with a wooden spoon in my ear. It is a wonder they did not think to try this.

Eventually though, they’d succeed in waking us and we’d succumb and make our way downstairs where we’d eat as quickly as we could. “It’s time! It’s time!” my mother would rush us, as we’d hurry to take our last bites of cereal or toast or sometimes - please don’t judge - pizza in the dead of the middle of the night, before the exact minute our fast would begin.

I don’t recall how old I was when I kept my first fast, only I think I might have been eight or nine. I remember time passing slowly, though there was something exciting about the last few minutes of the fast. We’d count down again. “It’s time! It’s time!” my brothers and I would yell, rushing for a plate of dates and gulping down water at dusk.

On weekends, we’d visit the homes of family friends who’d invite everyone they knew for iftar, the evening meal to open our fast. Often, my parents would host these dinners too, our dining table covered with platters of food, a practice run of Eid to come. I remember how exhausting these iftars were, and I’d often fall asleep in the corner somewhere, but they were sort of festive too. They were small celebrations of food but also of togetherness and some sort of collective remembrance.

I grew up fasting regularly even though it put me in the spotlight of curiosity at my senior school, being one of the only Muslim girls there. So as the years went by, I learnt not to talk about it at all. It was easier than facing the same old questions, the same old expressions of disdain (“But how can it be good for you? What’s the point?”) by both teachers and my fellow pupils, even my friends, again and again. Often, I didn’t even know what to say.

Years later, at work in a busy newsroom, I learnt to use the same tactic. Even the most well-meaning of colleagues somehow felt they were entitled to make a judgement on something they did not fully understand. I wrote about it, from time to time and time again, but also eventually learnt it was easier not to. It was easier not to feel so singled out.

But things were different at university. I mostly had friends who were not Muslim, but some of them joined in with me each year at Ramadan, fasting a couple of days here or there, counting down those minutes with me again, reminding me there wasn’t long to go every time I felt like caving in to defeat in the form of cake. You see, that’s the thing about Ramadan. In many ways, it is a very solitary pursuit. But in other ways, there’s solidarity in the most surprising of places too.

The only time I deliberately chose not to fast was the year my father died. It was the first time I questioned whether I was doing it just because I had been brought up to. It was the first time I questioned whether I was only doing it because I was afraid of what my mother might say if I ever decided not to. It was the first time I wondered whether I might even have a choice. At the time, I lived alone and I was sad. So while my friends planned big group iftars, that year I turned down their invitations. I simply did not feel a pull to be a part of something so big as Ramadan.

As it happens, my defiance lasted only a few days before I realised that not fasting made me feel even more alone, before I realised that the habits I’d grown up with had instilled a sort of rhythm in me and I felt off and out of sorts without it. And so I fasted after all, and though I’m not overly religious and I don’t ordinarily pray five times a day, I spent that month pouring my heart out in this way, all alone, and without still being able to put into words why, I felt better for it. My faith is personal to me and I don’t often talk about it, but in a way, this is the only way I know how to explain it: I may not be especially good at it, but I simply feel better for knowing I have it.

When my husband and I were newly-weds, before children came along, we fasted together and there was something special about that. He converted to Islam before we married and though he had fasted before, our first Ramadan together as a married couple was different to any Ramadan I had experienced before. It was as though we had made our own little world - working apart in the day, the constant messaging to see how the other was coping, coming home to cook together, and then open our fasts at our candlelit tiny dining table that had just enough and only room for two. The night before Ramadan started, I remember he pulled out his phone and texted all his friends and family (who are not Muslim): Ramadan Mubarak! I remember being humbled, touched by the way he found it so easy to be positive, to be open about being Muslim when for so long, I had found it easier to not draw attention to it at all.

Soon after we married, I fell pregnant - and then again and again - and so for years, my husband has fasted alone - often through the hottest and longest summers, often still cycling a daily commute into central London - and, truly, I have felt terrible for it, for it is hard to do it on your own. But he quietly kept at it, and the days soon passed. And that’s the other thing about Ramadan. Sometimes, it feels endless but, it’s only thirty days. There is a rigour to it, a sort of focus. It’s an excuse to think about purpose. There is something deeply humbling to know that we both go without willingly but will also receive; that there will always be a meal at the end of the day, anyway. Though sometimes it’s all you can think of, it’s not just about food. It is, as with any season, a chance to start over.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: there is humility.

This year is my first attempt in six years to fast again, after consecutive years of pregnancy and breastfeeding thrice over have meant I’ve slipped through the net. If I’m honest, I’m not sure how I’ll cope. In Ramadan, we’re supposed to be kinder, more generous, more introspective and encouraged to reflect. It’s hard to feel this way and do all this sometimes when, at times, your hunger stabs your stomach like a knife and your energy leaves you languishing, but therein lies the other lesson: that of patience.

Growing up, I’ve watched and listened and learned and I know that when it comes to religion, some people can be prescriptive about their versions of what it is. It must be their way, or no way. Like this, not that. Five prayers a day or none at all. There is judgement, even though there’s not supposed to be. I am clearly no scholar, but all I know, all I think, is that it’s enough to try your best.

So this year, after six years, that’s all I’m hoping to do: try my best. I’m seeing Ramadan this year as a chance to slow down; an excuse to shift my focus inwards, to realign and take a little time out in my own ways. And also, I’m looking forward to enjoying food again: there is nothing like Ramadan to sort you out of a meal slump. At the very least, preparing new kinds of food passes the time.

New Ramadan Traditions

I have children of my own now, and though I’d like to think I wouldn’t be quite so obtrusive as my own parents were in waking us up (though, to clarify, I actually won’t be waking them up, my children are far too young to fast), I would like to instil some sort of anticipation, excitement even, into Ramadan so that they shouldn’t see it as strange or as a chore.

I like the idea of creating our own Ramadan traditions, which is something I don’t think my generation, growing up in England, ever really had, through no fault of our parents. It is hard to navigate something quite as powerful and intensive as Ramadan while also quietly going about your day. It was hard, then, when the resources for our parents were so few and far between.

Now, things are changing. I’ve slowly grown a small collection of children’s books about Ramadan - books I certainly never saw as a child - and I read them with my children and hope that in some way, reading about Ramadan helps them make sense of it or better yet, captures their imagination. If I’m honest, almost all the children’s books on Ramadan are very educational, often trying cheerily (or too hard) to explain what Ramadan is and how it works. My wish is that one day, it might be easier to find stories that are just stories, stories that just so happen to be set to the tune of Ramadan or Eid ticking in the background (like children’s books on Christmas, for instance). I wish also that there might even one day be more children’s books on Ramadan and Eid actually written by Muslim writers and illustrators too (most of them are not), but in the meantime, I am at least appreciative of the efforts that do exist, for it is better than nothing at all. The books we read most at this time of year are listed below.

I also hope to simply add books that tell stories of other cultures, of other lands; books that demonstrate compassion, charity and understanding without necessarily being textbooks of religion; books that tell stories like The Journey, Ali’s Story, Everybody’s Welcome.

Last year, we talked at home about being especially generous in Ramadan and though it initially took some persuasion, the boys sifted through their toys and soon got into the spirit of selecting some to give to other children who might enjoy or need them more. We dropped them off at The Toy Project, a brilliant initiative in north London which passes preloved toys to children in need. We’ll be doing this again this year; my hope is, each year it will be a little easier for them to understand the concept of kindness to strangers, to those who must go without.

Finally, I’ve been inspired by the idea of putting together a Ramadan basket for them too, although with a week to go, I’m not sure how far I’ll go with it. The children shall receive gifts on Eid, and I’m mindful not to let this season become too much about stuff so I’d like to keep it simple and more aligned with what is needed - new tees for spring, perhaps a little sweet treat or three. I have ordered this little wooden crescent moon to help them count down until Eid. Though my children won’t be fasting, I shall set dates and milk on the table at their dinnertime too; a sweet and simple way for them to join in a little traditional practice. Some nights, I shall slip baklava unexpectedly onto their plates as pudding. We shall hang fairy lights. Should I let them stay up late, we shall use our binoculars and hunt for the moon like small adventurers.

My hope is only to make this month, which may well seem so abstract to a small child, feel more real and also a little fun, a little cosy, a little special. So that one day they might even find it fun to countdown the minutes and cry: “It’s time! It’s time!”

Children’s books about Ramadan

1 Ramadan (Celebrate The World) by Hannah Eliot: a pretty and simple short illustrated board book. This helped me explain Ramadan to my own children (I also happened to read this to my son’s Montessori class when I did a little talk about Eid for them - this is perfect for preschoolers).

2 Rashad’s Ramadan & Eid Al Fitr by Lisa Bullard: Another little story suitable for preschoolers following a little boy called Rashad and his family in Ramadan. The story is incredibly simple, the illustrations cheerful.

3 Iqbal and His Ingenious Idea by Elizabeth Suneby: This is the only book I have come across which references Ramadan naturally, without being school-like in its subject of it. We like this book for many reasons. There’s a little brown Asian boy on the cover but it also talks about sustainability and looking after the planet as well as opening children’s eyes to a different country (Bangladesh). There are so many other positive messages here too, for any time of year, not just Ramadan - Iqbal is helpful, thoughtful and clever too. He cares about his family, and looking after the planet. Better suited to a four/five-year-old as it’s a little long.

further reading: six more links for ramadan and beyond

1 Simple Preparations for Ramadan: My friend Ashley takes a soulful look at family rituals. I especially love the idea of taking the kids up a hill to spot the new moon.

2 Ramadan is a season particularly intent on giving. If you like, you can use this consumer report to choose a charity for donations.

3 Dishoom at Kings Cross is hosting a magical and delicious charity iftar (all welcome, fasting or not). Tickets cost £12 and all proceeds go to Akshaya Patra – a charity working towards eradicating childhood hunger as a barrier to education in India. The iftar feast will begin with a call to prayer at sunset.

4 The Big Iftar has been running for years and is a way for people of all backgrounds and faiths and cultures and race to get together and celebrate the act of sharing a meal together. Some years ago, my husband and I invited a couple we had never met before round to ours for iftar too; it was truly lovely.

5 There’s more on Ramadan Baskets at Janine’s blog, The Gentle Art of Learning. She has written about her tradition of gifting baskets to her children the night before Ramadan and has also put together her own Ramadan basket for herself too. I love the idea of looking after yourself a little more too while you’re fasting. Thanks to Mim for letting me know about Janine’s beautiful blog.

6 And here’s more on multi-cultural and diverse children’s books for preschoolers


This post includes a few affiliate links that help me run Our Story Time at no cost or inconvenience to you. Thank you for reading!

On being a writer and a mother (part two): writing about my children

Writing and motherhood on being a writer essays on writing essays on motherhood more on my blog, Our Story Time www.ourstorytime.co.u

As a writer who writes mostly in first-person, it is inevitable that I sometimes write about my children. I read once that: “Making the decision to have a child... is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body,” (Elizabeth Stone) and so I suppose it is only natural for me, as a writer, to put my walking heart and all its observations into words, to untangle this process with and through language.

I have written and explained before that my blog is a way for me to process my every day. It’s a way to both remember and cherish but also simply figure things out - whether that’s as meaningful as how to gently talk to my kids about world affairs or as dumbfounded as what to do when your three-and-a-half-year-old refuses to eat or sharing a way which helped our kids sleep better in case it helps someone else’s too.

I am more inclined to write about my children than I am to post photographs of them because that’s just how I am. I am careful about the images I share on my public social media feed, mostly but not always limiting them to some distance from their faces (as above) or some artful shots of the back of their heads. You might see less of my older son on my Instagram feed, for the simple reason he doesn’t always like to have his picture taken so I won’t ever insist, certainly never for the sake of my grid. There’s been a lot written about “sharenting” - parents who share photos of their children on social media publicly, parents who go into all sorts of details about them. I’m not all that into social media, and as I’m a naturally private person it makes sense to me not to overdo it personally on the one channel I do use.

But then I’ve found myself thinking: what’s the difference with writing about my children and how can I avoid oversharing through words in the same way sometimes people might overshare in pictures, Stories or captions? Because while I do not only write about my children, I do often enough, and sometimes I am paid to do so too. I’ve written about my parents in the past and my husband for that matter, and also been published and paid for that. So what’s different, when it comes to writing about my children?

Well, I suppose there is no difference. There is always a line of what I will and will not write about. It is strange to be in this position, to be both a writer, but also to still be a little uncomfortable with sharing too much. It is not as though I talk about myself or my children or my childhood memories all the time to people I might meet in person, for instance. But I do so frequently in my writing, because I write to reflect and to remember and to make sense of things. By sharing memories that are meaningful to me, I suppose I am offering people a pause to think, to look for what is meaningful in their own lives too. When it comes to writing about my children specifically, I share memories mostly because I just want to keep them for myself and I hope that maybe, if these memories are still accessible online by the time my boys are grown, maybe they might even one day be meaningful to them too (and this is sort of the inspiration behind Postcards Home, my new online writing course on writing your memories).

Will I continue to write about my children when they are older, when they are teenagers with all the challenges that may yet bring? I don’t know. As a teenager myself, I know I deeply valued my privacy and felt riled, hot and angry when I felt it invaded by prying parents or nosy siblings discovering my diary or reading my mail. So, I don’t think so. Or, if I did, I’d ask them if something was okay, just like I’ve asked my husband if he’s okay with me writing about us. Maybe I’d reference them in a more general way. Maybe by that time my life will have moved on from the intensity of the early pre-school years. Maybe I’ll have another lens in which to look at myself, my world, my every day. It is interesting that since my children were born, I’ve struggled greatly with writing fiction. I can’t remember the last time I wrote an entirely fictional short story, for instance, and I failed spectacularly to submit the first chapters of my novel when pregnant with my third child. I wonder if, once these early years pass, I might somehow write myself out of motherhood and more into the realms of imagination again. I guess I’ll see. Right now, it feels natural to write about them while they are still young because we sort of share a narrative, our lives so closely entwined. But I would like for them to find their own narratives when they are older, to maybe even write their own ways of understanding, and maybe in that way, I’ll find another narrative of mine.

In my Gmail, there’s a draft email I keep with “The things they say” typed in the subject line. In here, I write down almost word for word something I’ve overheard them say or watched them do. I quickly note down their sweet, enquiring conversations, a particular turn of phrase that softens my heart or sets it alight, or the way they might look at me with those brown eyes they all happen to share. I periodically cast my eyes over this draft email and write down the best of these moments on little postcards I keep stacked with my writing notebooks, so that I might keep them forever.

These are the things I keep only for me; the things your eyes will never read. These are the things I don’t want to forget. The things that remind me that time is passing faster than I would like.

One day, maybe, I’ll share it with them.

Write it all down

Postcards Home is my latest online writing course, designed not to feel like an online writing course but an inspiring nudge to help you want to write, to fall in love with writing, and to do it in a small, simple ways that aren’t overwhelming. Designed as a set of weekly essays, Postcards Home will gently, hopefully, remind you to look out for the details in your everyday, both your present and your past, and take note so that one day, you too might remember everything you want to through your very own written words.

Postcards Home starts on Monday, May 20th, 2019.